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| Its been i think I almost 4 months since I broke up with Nancy. Its been one of my hardest and most diffcult times in my life. Whiles I was with her I systematically cut off a lot of my friends so now that she is gone, I my life is very empty. All I do is work and currently trying to concentrate on some up and coming exam just to get her out of my mind. I called the relationship of after a strange conversation we had where by she seems to rubbish everything i thought we had in a few minutes. She demanded more than i could possibly give at the same time bringing next to nothing to the table. As we are both Ghanaians we did things slightly different and also over religious beliefs also had an effect on how the relationship was going to pan out. I have promised myself not to waste my time thinking about how it was and what it might be as I have promised myself not to go back to the relationship ever again. What is lost is lost. A broken mirror cant be put back as the cracks will always be staring at you in the face. So back to work. I now have a new manager who oversees what i do and that of RM. She is alright, she is in many ways improving my way of working and brings a great deal of structure to our department but we are still having the odd issues. She shy away from responsibility far too easily and provides me in my view next to no support. Im not the type who requires spoon feeding but I have a lot on, responsible for a country in Africa, 3 countries in the Americas and quite a number of European countries (tax complaince work). I enjoy what I do and this is the kind of job when i left University and deicided to seek a career in tax, where I wanted to be and be doing. Its hard work, still on a very poor salary which means i cant afford a great deal of things but well I'm currently breaking even. Ive decided to write on here more often...billy no mates and I'm getting quite depressed during the weekends as I have little to no contact to any human beings. I really hope I meet someone soon, I need a freind ........ | | |
| Im supposed to be studying but I cant seem to concentrate at all. I have a gf at a the moment, we've been going out for I think 5 months now. Ive loved her since we met and Im trying hard to love her now now but i am really struggling. Its hard when the person you love so deeply and dearly expresses next to nothing in terms of emotions to me. Ive tried everything, Ive opened up so much to her she knows a lot about me. My family, my relationship with my brothers, friends, etc and also very deep thoughts and views Ive never expressed to anyone, with the hope of triggering something in her so she can open up to me. We hardly ever see each other when we do it sometimes feels so strange. I think this is my most serious relationship Ive ever had and Im not sure if Im going about it the right way.... I think it would be easy to just give up nd go back being single. My job fills my life with so much anyway...I seem to have cut off all my friends since I moved out of london, well I was just about to say not by choice but it was by choice. I just dont see the point of a lot of things in life. To love as I now see it is a waste of time. I loved her far too quickly and deeply... a lesson learnt  | | |
| TO LOVE IS TO LAY OURSELVES OPEN TO LOSS, THAT IS THE BARGAIN WE MAKE WITH OURSELVES, BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT....... | | |
| I had a really crappy evening with the others as I finally decided to go and have dinner with them. Checking my bank balance before going did not also help as I am now running very low on cash. I just don't know where all that money goes. Well I guess I over spent whiles in B'ham. Gave far too much as a wedding present to a friend I hardly speak to and due to what we were once back at uni, one feels the need to keep up the pretence. So the evening started with a rather long walk from Angle tube station to the restaurant. It was a small place with very few customers. Coming to think of it we were the only customers in there. We were joined later on by some peeps who I guess were hungry and looking for somewhere to eat around 10 ish. It took them a life time to get our meals sorted. I had to rush my meal as I had to be somewhere else that evening and that was when the day took a turn for the worse. They were all against me ordering my dessert and required me to explain myself. I was really pissed off and did not really say much to them till I left. I could not believe how the whole table turned on me. I currently struggle with hiding my emotions. I just ignored them most of the evening and left when I finished my meal. To avoid having to foot their alcohol binge, I left enough money to cover my meal and left...they were drinking cocktails like it was water. When they get drunk it always ends up with an argument or spending hours dealing with who ever gets flat(shit) faced. I was in two minds when I was with them, considering if I should just distance myself from them from now onwards. But I have been friends with them for years now starting from scratch is a very hard thing to do. I'm not sure if I want to do it even tho, some members of the circle are seriously getting on my nerves and I might punch someone one of these days to shut them up. It seems I am fair game when it comes to ridiculing and A.nt feels the need to make smart remarks implying all sorts, he's such a tosser...I just did not want to get into name calling its just not something I do best. Just finished my dinner, a bowl of noddles with barbecued pork...nothing to write home about I must say... Its a shame I still cant post pictures on here from facebook that would have added more sense to most of my updates on here,,,, | | |
| I have no choice than to move to phase two now... I have to settle for what ever I get rather than be picky. Its not going to be easy but it gets to a time, a man has to do what a man has to do. What ever that statement means. I turned down an invitation to dine with the others yesterday. I think they called it the new year dinner, it had been changed a few times and I knew I would just be adding to the numbers rather than being an integral part of the circle. What pissed me off the most is not being told the venue and location had been changed. All that was expected of me was to turn up and go and waste my money. I guess its got to a time just being a number in the circle is not good enough for me. After many years of friendship well,... I don't see the point of wasting my time and my currently ever dwindling resource on unnecessary dinners and stuff like that. It gets to a point one has to put his foot down. When the only time anyone calls you is to invite you to something rather than enquire of your well being, you should know that something is not right somewhere down the line. It has recently been highlighted by the lengths they are going through to keep a friendship with one of the stupidest, idiotic and self centered member of our social circle. We sometimes have to spend the whole time discussing him and all he does is fuck about and makes sure when he is not enjoying himself no one does. But I guess we all mean different things to others and some including myself are more dispensable than the others. It did not go down well when I turned their invitation down and I expect to be blanked for a month or so but contact will be conveniently restored just before our birthdays so one can as usual make up the numbers. Its a joke really when you allow yourself to sit and think over things. how one could have put up with all these thing over the course of our friendship.Anyway Need to dash...need to see to a few chores... | | |
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Better to be someone for a day, than no one for a life time
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